Yep!

I thought of you again today... and yep... YOU ARE STILL AN ASSHOLE!

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RIP my past.

Have you ever had an idea of someone or something in your head that happened in your past, but when it comes down to it the idea in your head is much, much better than the actual person or thing. Like when you have a craving for a piece of chocolate cake that you haven't had in a long time. Yet when you finally get it, it is sooo disappointing.

See, I had this idea in my head about the guy that got away. In my head, he was smart, witty and always fun to be around. In my head, I missed talking to him a lot. I hadn't been in touch with him for years and years. Today I spoke to him for a little.

WHAT AN ASSHOLE?!?!?!?

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Birthday 2009

This was the best birthday I have had in a while. One major thing that was different is that I made plans and did something and didn't sit back waiting for people to do something for me. Twas great!

For a few years now, every September I would call my mother and say... "Let's go to New York!" My childhood years was filled with me going to New York with my Mom and hating it! I hated all the walking, the shopping, the taking off and trying on of clothes and shoes (!), the public transportation... the dirty streets. Not to mention the cold weather when we would go during the winter. Anyhow... I had put somewhat of a mind-block on New York since then. Later on I developed a love of shopping... Bargain shopping especially and where is a better place to bargain shop other than New York???
So plans were made and off we went.

I shopped everyday for 4 days and could hardly haul my loot back home. I had to ask my Mom to carry my shoes in her luggage. Next time I will not be carrying my laptop though. Barely had time to use it and ended up dreading hauling it through the airports.

When we came back to FL. I made plans to go to a crabhouse for dinner and surprisingly some friends came along as well. Aside from a glitch or two... it went well.

Then Saturday following that I had planned a Birthday Passion Party at my friend's house. That also went very well.

So can't complain... all in all... was a great birthday week!

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Getting in gear!

Have you ever been in a situation where finally something clicks? Whether it is to find that final piece on a jigsaw puzzle. An earring you had been looking for. The dvd player to finally work. You know that feeling you get. The exhilaration. The triumph.

Mine clicked at 4:30a one morning this week.

I have been involved with one of the leading in-home party businesses that sells sensual aids to adults. In short, yes I sell vibrators, dildos among other things. I had been dabbling in the business waiting for manna to fall from the sky. Yes I knew logically what happens and whats supposed to happen... but it didn't click. I started off gassed up and ready to go... but I didn't fully understand the business, or what I could and should be doing to promote my business. Don't get me wrong. I did well in the beginning. Then I had a disappointing streak and so I fell off my game. I think I was also looking to others for motivation. Anyhow the long and short of it is that it had to click with me first and it did.

I started off by joining all the groups I could find to get more info. Sifted through what seemed like tons of info and then I found one that made everything seem so simple and purposeful. So I'm on my way to start growing and ENJOYING my business.

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Commenter or Reader?

Do you read blogs and comment? or are you more like me? I read and remain silent.

Sure I have my opinions. Yes, I'm cheering you on or stomping my foot in objection. But I'm very quiet about it all. Yet, in some strange way it doesn't make sense. Putting it all out there is inviting people in. To comment. To agree. To disagree. To laugh. To cry. To nod. And the less favorable option of thinking that you are a total moron.

Logically I know this. However, I can't help but feel that I'm somewhat of a Peeping Tom .. err... Nix, to just read and go away. On the other hand I always look at it like there's a clique of people that meet up and do things IRL. I'm not a part of any such clique and so I'm the outsider, how dare I say anything? But you've put it out there. I have put it out there. Into the world of the unknown. Unknown world where people have opinions on things, or not.

I actually appreciate when people stop by and comment (hint-hint). I wonder why I feel like other bloggers would feel any different. I'm going to haul on my big girl drawers and go out there and participate dammit! Look out bloggers!

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Cheating.

No, not the type that you're thinking about. I've been cheating myself.

Let me bring you up to speed on my thought process.

In January or February I went to Costco with my mom and they had digital scales on sale. I bought one. I had been sitting in the box since then. Last night I was sitting thinking about what to eat for dinner and I thought, "This is ridiculous, you don't even know how much you weigh." Sooo I opened the box. Lets just say I just left the gym.

Anyhow, while I was at the gym I decided to listen to an audiobook I have. It's easy to listen to music in the house because you don't have to pay that much attention... in the gym or in the car... audiobook time. So anyway, they were talking about rich people stressing about their second home. Then it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks. I’ve never dreamt of having a second home. Hell, I barely even dare to dream of a first home much less a second.

Then my realization spiraled. I thought that I had a hard time with goal setting exercises, because I stopped dreaming. I stopped thinking that I could achieve something beyond a certain capacity. I started living my life in reaction mode. When did this happen? Who am I?

The person I was was someone who had high hopes and dreams. Now literally I am confined to thinking one week at a time. If I can make it to the end of this week I’ll be okay. Then what happens next week? Something will work out. Then Sunday comes and it’s me again worrying about making it through to the end of the week. Before you know it the time passes and all that stuff that you’ve been worrying about, haven’t come through but since you’ve been so wrapped up in worrying you forgot all about living. Appreciating the here and now. Yet hoping and planning for bigger and better in the future.

In one way it sucks because I’m a very practical person. When I see luxury car… instead of performance and comfort I see unnecessary expense. So in that sense my goal might be different from someone else’s goal.

As it so happens I’m going to an event tomorrow evening where I’m suppose to dress as I see myself in 5 years. So I’ve had to put some thought into it. The first thing I plan to start doing is dreaming more, just as I did when I was a little girl and stop cheating myself out of wishing better for myself.

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